// **************** Random Object Generator Functions *************************
var textArray = new Array();
function buildTextList(){
// Some of my favorite lines from TV, movies and music
// Lots of Simpsons, Fight Club, Mr. Show, Tenacious D, Family Guy & Seinfeld
textArray[0] = "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.";
textArray[1] = "Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.";
textArray[2] = "Moops!";
textArray[3] = "You are not your khakis.";
textArray[4] = "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.";
textArray[5] = "Family, religion, loyalty... these are the demons you must slay if you want to be successful.";
textArray[6] = "Oh they have the Internet on computers now!";
textArray[7] = "Shut up and eat your pinecone!";
textArray[8] = "Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.";
textArray[9] = "...husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered son, and i will have my revenge, in this life or the next.";
textArray[10] = "It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything.";
textArray[11] = "You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile.";
textArray[12] = "Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.";
textArray[13] = "I am the all-singing, all-dancing crap of this world.... I am the toxic waste by-product of God's creation. ";
textArray[14] = "You're not your job.";
textArray[15] = "The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.";
textArray[16] = "Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.";
textArray[17] = "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!";
textArray[18] = "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.";
textArray[19] = "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.";
textArray[20] = "If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing.";
textArray[21] = "Marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons.";
textArray[22] = "So then you asked yourselves, Isn't there something more to life? ... well let me clue you in on something... There isn't.";
textArray[23] = "You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think, she's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? Nah, the queen is old-fashioned, likes to stay home, cook, take care of her man, make sure he feels good.";
textArray[24] = "That's Dr. Abbott, DDS. Tim Whatley was one of my students, and if this wasn't my son's wedding day I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard.";
textArray[25] = "Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.";
textArray[26] = "Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.";
textArray[27] = "Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!";
textArray[28] = "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.";
textArray[29] = "Weasling out of work is important to learn; it is what separates humans from animals. Except for weasels.";
textArray[30] = "Trying is the first step towards failure.";
textArray[31] = "Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.";
textArray[32] = "I'm doomed, oh, isolated from the rest of the world, like a free floating blob of cellulite cast adrift in a sea of cotton candy soaked in dog saliva.";
textArray[33] = "I'm a giraffe. I'm a giraffe. I'm a giraffe. I have a long neck. I have a long neck. 'Cause i'm a giraffe. I'm a giraffe.";
textArray[34] = "Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!";
textArray[35] = "Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store called and they're running out of you!";
textArray[36] = "The world is a vampire.";
textArray[37] = "God money I'll do anything for you.";
textArray[38] = "I wanted more than life could ever grant me.";
textArray[39] = "Teletubbies love each other very much.";
textArray[40] = "Lee likes to dictate the pace and tempo of every conversation.";
textArray[41] = "a Junior Western Bacon Chee";
textArray[42] = "Mommy, what's a gagortion?";
textArray[43] = "First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. I win!";
textArray[44] = "We need someone to talk to and someone to sweep the floors.";
textArray[45] = "There's a lot of possible backstage betties in the audience tonight.";
textArray[46] = "'In Search of Sasquatch', that was a kick-ass In Search of..., with Leonard Nimoy kickin' out the jams.";
textArray[47] = "G's up, ho's down.";
textArray[48] = "And if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die";
textArray[49] = "There were times when I could have strangled her.";
textArray[50] = "...the far unlit unknown";
textArray[51] = "Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone.";
textArray[52] = "Conform or be cast out.";
textArray[53] = "...the unattractive truth.";
textArray[54] = "Be cool or be cast out.";
textArray[55] = "Screw you guys, I'm going home." ;
textArray[56] = "Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, 'Give a larbage, throw out your garbage.'" ;
textArray[57] = "...I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries." ;
textArray[58] = "You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator." ;
textArray[59] = "Forever in debt to your priceless advice." ;
textArray[60] = "All in all is all we are." ;
textArray[61] = "All alone is all we are." ;
textArray[62] = "Everyone I know goes away in the end." ;
textArray[63] = "You could have it all / My empire of dirt" ;
textArray[64] = "I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract." ;
textArray[65] = "Buy the sky and sell the sky and bleed the sky and tell the sky." ;
textArray[66] = "Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand." ;
textArray[67] = "Miles standish proud, congratulate me." ;
textArray[68] = "I am superman and I can do anything." ;
textArray[69] = "A thumbnail sketch, a jeweler's stone / A mean idea to call my own" ;
textArray[70] = "What we want and what we need / Has been confused, been confused" ;
textArray[71] = "Monopoly, twenty one, checkers, and chess." ;
textArray[72] = "I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap." ;
textArray[73] = "She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak." ;
textArray[74] = "Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath." ;
textArray[75] = "I wish I was like you / Easily amused" ;
textArray[76] = "Aqua seafoam shame." ;
textArray[77] = "Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld." ;
textArray[78] = "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." ;
textArray[79] = "F*ck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing brass on the Titanic." ;
textArray[80] = "We were raised on television to believe that we'd all be millionares, movie gods, rock stars, but we won't. And we're starting to figure that out." ;
textArray[81] = "You have to be prepared for the possibility that God does not like you." ;
textArray[82] = "I am Jack's wasted life." ;
textArray[83] = "With a gun barrel stuck between your teeth, you only speak in vowels." ;
textArray[84] = "If I had a tumor, I'd name it Marla." ;
textArray[85] = "We are a generation of men raised by women. I'm beginning to wonder if another woman is what we really need." ;
textArray[86] = "Just take one dip and end it!" ;
textArray[87] = "There is not a word or a sentence or a concept that you can illuminate for me." ;
textArray[88] = "You're not how much money you have in the bank." ;
textArray[89] = "You're not the car you drive." ;
textArray[90] = "You're not the contents of your wallet." ;
textArray[91] = "You're not your f*cking khakis." ;
textArray[92] = "You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." ;
textArray[93] = "Is this tree taken?" ;
textArray[94] = "WRITE IT DOWN!" ;
textArray[95] = "I hate conservatives, but I really f*cking hate liberals." ;
textArray[96] = "God doesn't have a limp." ;
textArray[97] = "Fear is the heart of love." ;
textArray[98] = "Since the beginning of time, zoo animals have sat patiently in their cages while we humans stared, pointed, and threw candy at them." ;
textArray[99] = "Living in a zoo can be very sad... / People stare at you and make you mad." ;
textArray[100] = "SPEWEY (Special Person Entering the World, Egg Yolks)" ;
textArray[101] = "In the basement bars. In the backs of cars.";
textArray[102] = "Freeze this moment a little bit longer.";
textArray[103] = "Experience slips away...";
textArray[104] = "Cool and remote like dancing girls.";
textArray[105] = "I look down into a million houses and wonder what you're doing tonight.";
textArray[106] = "Don't ask me. I'm just improvising.";
textArray[107] = "And my heaven will be a big heaven, and I will walk through the front door.";
textArray[108] = "And I will pray to a big god, as I kneel in the big church.";
textArray[109] = "They think so small, they use small words.";
textArray[110] = "Something knocked me out' the trees / Now I'm on my knees.";
textArray[111] = "Hold on to sixteen as long as you can.";
textArray[112] = "Life goes on / Long after the thrill of living is gone.";
textArray[113] = "I know Saint Peter won't call my name.";
}
function getRandomText(){
if (textArray.length == 0){
buildTextList();
}
rndNum = Math.round(Math.random() * (textArray.length-1));
return textArray[rndNum];
}